Where Did My Friends Go?

My life is hectic...let's be real here.
Crazy shenanigans have been happening these past couple of months.
For starters, I moved into the Trinity House, which is an all-girls Christian house close to campus.
I love it, I love it, I love it.
I've also been pretty busy with choirs. I absolutely hate one of them though, I just wish it was OVER!

As much as I love Eugene and everyone I met, I really miss Arizona.
Well, at least my family in Arizona. I feel like my friends don't care as much anymore...

I'm not saying that they for sure don't, but I truly know that they don't understand how it feels to move far away and not have your friends tell you they miss you and ask how you are, or the only time they do talk to you and is to rag on you about something you said or call you stupid...yeah, that's appreciative.

Since I've been gone, I have randomly texted or talked to friends and told them I missed them, just because. Has anyone done that for me? A few, but very few. And, to be honest, it brings out a lot of emotions in me, including sad, hurt, angry, and unloved.
Yeah, unloved. Definitely.

Oh, but guess what, it eventually turns around on me, friends telling me I don't let them know how much I miss them. Wait, really? Like, come on, are you that dumb? I tell people I miss them all of the freaking time. But if people don't want to initiate the conversation with me, why should I go out of my way every time, especially if I feel like their feelings are not mutual. Cool story bro, but no thanks.

If my family was not there, I would not go back to Arizona. I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

I just want to watch football and talk sports with my dad. I want to go shopping or a nice walk with my mom. I want to watch movies with my sisters. I want to play video games with my brothers.

But thanks, friends, this is a great feeling to have over the Holiday season...
But to those friends that have reached out and miss me, thank you. I know who you are and I appreciate you everyday...

Love,
Brittany Lauren

All of my Dreams are Coming True

Well folks, it's happening.
I'M IN EUGENE!
Omg, omg, omg, omg, omg, omg!
I never thought this day would come.
But it's here, and I'm loving every minute of it!

During my first official day here, I decided to check out the city and the school I'll be attending for the next 9 months.
I also took the bus, by myself.
So scary, right?
But, I actually enjoyed it. Everything made sense. I knew where I was going and everything.
Also, the ride was BEAUTIFUL!
I mean, trees everywhere, it was so green.
I fell in love, again.

I'm super excited to share with everyone about my adventures and new life.
I'm ready for this new beginning, it's perf<3

Updates will happen!

Love,
Brittany Lauren

The Letter to Everyone

I've literally been staring at this for five minutes, thinking about what I'm trying to say...

I guess I'll just start off by saying that I am nowhere near perfect. I'm not. No one is.
But, for some odd reason, I'm the type of person who tries to make their life so perfect and great.
In reality, my life's a mess, if I'm gonna be honest.
I'm at that point in my life where I think I know what I want, whether it be right now, or in 10 years from now. But do I really know?
Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that I'm trying to figure it out along the way. Things could drastically change in a heartbeat.

I mean, this past year alone has changed a lot for me. In a month, I'm moving to a place I only dreamed of living. I'm on the verge of attending the school of my dreams. But of course, change can come in bad forms, too. I've put myself in situations that I wish I could change, or people have put me in positions that are not good for me.
But as much as I wish I could change the bad parts of my life, I don't regret a single minute of it. I don't. I don't regret being mad at the ones who broke my trust. I don't regret trying to forgive them either. I don't regret losing the friends I thought would be around forever. And I don't regret having the time of my life when others see me as obnoxious or annoying. If that's what people want to think, fine. But I will refuse to regret the things that have made me the person I am today.

I've been screwed over a lot this year, I won't lie. And even to this day, I choose to think about it over and over and just break down. I've always believed that I was worthless and didn't deserve anything good in life. But I'm starting to learn that I just can't do that anymore. I can't sit in sorrow forever, wishing things could go my way, or wanting my life to be perfect and drama-free, because we all know drama always exists whether we like it or not. The experiences I have gone through will help me learn to be strong, they'll help me learn not to make the same mistakes again.

Everyone makes mistakes, and boy, do I make a lot of them. Whether it's mistakenly reading a text wrong, or forgetting to put the gas cap on after filling the tank, to bigger things, like thinking one thing when in reality, it's completely not what you had in mind. Those are the mistakes I make the most. They're the mistakes that are the hardest for me to learn. I make these assumptions about something, and then try to act on it. So, of course it feels like a huge slap in the face when it turns out I'm wrong. But I've started to realize that I shouldn't let my mistakes get the best of me, because I'm a wreck if I do. I don't want people to know me as the girl who can't get it together, I wanna be the confident one who doesn't care what people think.

I will be the first to tell admit my lack of self-confidence. I find one little thing about myself, and it becomes a major issue in my head. I'll worry about it constantly, hoping people don't see what I see. I used to be confident, but because of the number of times I've been screwed over, especially this year, has dwindled that down to nothingness. Sure, I try to pull off confidence, but it turns out conceited and cocky, which of course brings it down more. My loss of confidence has also affected a lot of the things I have going for me. I've become scared that I'm not good enough for anything or anyone, so of course, that's what happens. I'm not saying it's easy, but I'm trying so hard to get that confidence back, and everyday I try to get closer and closer to it. Yeah, I've had major bumps along the way, and I break down. But I won't let those bumps affect me anymore. From now on, I will keep my head high and move along, because I don't need to cry about nothing.

I am a beautiful person. And I have some of the best family and friends who have helped me realize that. In fact, everyone is beautiful. I have people in my life that I barely know, and I've poured everything out to them, because I know I can trust them. I want people to know that it's okay to be scared, it's okay to worry. But from what I've learned, it's not okay to obsess about it until it's all you think about. I can't guarantee anyone will read this, but if you do, I hope you can learn something. Even I've learned something while writing this, myself. Live the life you want to have, and it change happens, make it work to the best of your ability, because that's all you really can do. Just know that being unperfect makes you, you. <3

Love,
Brittany Lauren

Probs

I wish I could tell the whole world everything.
But sadly, people don't care.
Plus, I'm too afraid to say anything.

I was told by my bestfriend to go see a therapist.
Yeah right...
I'm not gonna tell a complete stranger my problems, and then have them tell me what I'm supposed to do.
I'll make my own choices, thank you very much.

People think I'm this funny, happy person.
You wanna know the truth?
I'm not. I hide everything.
My closest friends don't even know a lot about my life.
I'm too scared I'll get judged or opinions will change about me.

All of this hiding is making me break down though.
I've come to a point where I can't take it anymore.
I just wish there was some way I could feel better about myself.

Let Freedom Ring

Independence Day was A-OKAY!
This year was the first year Gilbert allowed residents to buy and shoot off their own fireworks.
Of course we used that to our fullest advantage. :)

We started on the 3rd of July. My family went over to Ashley's house, where we had pulled pork sandwiches. Yuuuuuum!
It was a sups fun time, watching Lonely Island videos and prancing around.
Then, FIREWORKS.
Unfortunately for me, I stepped on a lit punk. OUCH. It hurt, and it's blistered. Poo.
But it was really fun, we played with sparklers and set off some loud fireworks.

Then, the real day happened.
My best friend, Casey, came over, and we pretty much set off the rest of the fireworks we had.
By the time we finished, her boyfraaaan Jerame got off work and wanted to shoot off more, so he came over and we went and got more. So great.
Unfortunately for me (again), ash from a lit punk fell on my thigh. It hurt, and it's blistered, but the blister popped. Poo.

So, I've come to a conclusion. IHATEPUNKS.

So, Kim is housesitting right now, and I went over.
Then Ashley came over.
Then Casey came over.
Then Stoof came over.
We had a ball.
I love these girls so much, Imma miss them when I leave!
That's all, I'm ouuuuut.

Love,
Brittany Lauren.

Cute Kid.

Lately, I've been obsessed with the following things:

-Home Movies
-Shatter nail polish
-Twitter

Now, if you follow me on Twitter, you have seen the obnoxious amounts of tweets I've posted about the home movies I've been watching. Hey, I can't help it if I was a cute kid. What happened to me now, I don't know...
It's cool seeing myself grow up in front of a camera, it's like I'm a movie star or something.
But I guess I've never realized what I've been given.
Two parents who love me, four siblings that have love-hate relationships with me, pets I wouldn't dream of losing, houses I've called home. It's pretty great.

In other news...

I had a friend pass away a couple days before my birthday. I think her fun-loving and kind spirit has made me realize that I want/need to be a better person. I'm still in the process of trying, but I'm getting better each day.

MY GOLDEN BIRTHDAY. 19 on the 19th (of June, of course). That day also happened to be Father's Day, so naturally I got him the best gift ever:


I mean, how else is he supposed to support my new school??
PS, he's doing "the pose." FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW THE POSE: It's the typical girl pose: Hand on the hip, arm wrapped around the other person, head tilted, propped foot, big smile. Eve's idea. So great.

Umm, that's all I have for now, I'll try harder to update this thing. FAIL.

Love,
Brittany Lauren

The Best Night in a Long Time

So, Friday night can only be summed up in three words.
BEST.NIGHT.EVER.
We got to the venue right before they opened the doors.
However, we realized we were on the wrong side of the arena...Fail.
But we got to the KNIX area, finally.

Casey was the first to play their game, one of those little chambers that blows money around.
She won a pair of upgraded seats.
Then Kim went right before The Band Perry performed.
She won a gift card to Outback.
Fail...I wasn't picked.

So we only had one pair of good seats, and four of us.
We traded off. Kim saw The Band Perry and I saw Luke Bryan.
During Luke, Casey and I noticed that there were two seats that were unoccupied the whole time.
So we were bad and snuck our tickets to Kim and Mommy so they could sneak in and join us.
Bad, I know, but we all got to see Tim McGraw up close, which was ballin'.
I wanna meet him so baaaaaaad.

That's it. I'm gonna be like T. Swift and write songs that are good enough to make it.
I've realized that's what I really want in life.
So, why not try?
And I will, hopefully something comes out of it...

Love,
Brittany Lauren

Upgraded seats, anyone?

Okay, so here's the down low...
Yesterday, Kim, Casey, and I went to Outback Steakhouse to try and win the full on Tim McGraw package, which included:
Better seats
Tim McGraw Acoustic Pre-Show
$45 dollars to Outback.

We walked inside and searched for KNIX, the radio station putting on the drawing.
We found Carolyn Coffey, one of the DJays, and she immediately loved us, mainly because of the shirts we made.
She just had to take a picture, or two :)



The Back of our Shirts



And, the front.

She loved us so much, she offered to buy us a beer. Unfortunately, we were underage, so that didn't happen.
But anyways, in the end, we didn't win, but Carolyn (I know I know, first name basis, what what?!) said that people who make shirts like us and wear them to the concert win upgraded seats, and even meet and greets! So, guess what we're doing before the show? :) Cross those fingers and pray we win something! We're all pretty good at country music trivia....so we may be set.

Love,
Brittany Lauren

"You Need to See a Doctor!"

Interview with a One-Year old

Right now, this is my favorite video of all time.
Let's face it:
The kid is just adorable.
The guy is freaking hilarious.

I want that child.
Creepy, but true.
Blond hair, blue eyes?
YES PLEASE!

Love,
Brittany Anderson

The Power of Netflix

I'm obsessed.
Because I have no life, and I'm all caught up on Ellen, I've resorted to Netflix.
I swear, I've watched almost everything.
-The whole first season of Glee
-The whole first season of Laguna Beach
-Movies I haven't seen since I was 12.
-Movies I've wanted to see but never had money when they were in theaters.
Right now, I'm working on 99 episodes of Rugrats.
Yeah...I'm weird. Lith.

I really need to get out and do something with my life.
But for now, I'll stick with the Wii sitting in my room and the Rugrats playing on my Netflix.
What else should I watch?
I don't know what to watch after this...

Love,
Brittany Lauren

The Power of Music

Music.
When notes come together to make the perfect chord.
When voices blow you away.
When a single chorus has more emotion that if it was spoken.

To me, music tells a story.
I always pay close attention to the lyrics,
I listen to every word, hearing the message.
Whether it's about heartbreak, love, or having fun.

Music is always filled with the emotion I wish I could express.
If I hear a sad song, I cry.
It is easy to feel the emotion an artist conveys better than what you read in a story.
At least, that's how I see it.

Music has helped me out so much.
I sing because, to be honest, it's probably one of the only things I'm actually good at.
And I'm not even that great at it.
But I love it so much.
I feel apart of something bigger than myself.
I feel special when I sing, because I know all eyes are on me.
Because of my passion, I have improved so much throughout my life.
I've done things I never thought I could with singing.
I've made top choirs in school, the region, and the state.
I did musicals.
I've even overcome the fear of singing a simple solo.
Music helped me realize that I'm more than just a girl living in Gilbert, Arizona.

This past year, I didn't sing.
And it's been hard.
But I'm coming back,
And I'm gonna kill it. <3

Love,
Brittany Lauren

Summertime, and the livin' is (not) easy...

I feel like summer should come to an end now...how sad is that?
I'm tired of drama.
I'm sick of people thinking it's okay to treat me like a person with no feelings.
I'm just ready to become a new person.

A happier person, one who sees the brighter side in things.
I keep trying, but then there's something that has to turn around and change everything.
I'm ready to change, but I sound like a broken record...fail.

That's all for now, sorry I've been failing at the whole writing business...

Love,
Brittany Lauren

Just Keep Praying

I honestly do not know where I would be right now if I didn't have God in my life.
Lately, not so great things have been happening, and I've had a lot of decisions to make.
And, to be honest, I think I'm making the best decision for me, and I really don't care what other people have to say about it.
I just wish they knew where I was coming from instead of saying that I'm doing this for all the wrong reasons.
The thing is, I know I'm doing this for the right reasons.
I personally feel like if God didn't want me to do this, He wouldn't have given me the opportunity to see for myself if I would be able to handle it.
I pray everyday for a sign that will lead me closer to reality. Some days I get them, some days I don't.
But I know it's a part of God's plan. He will tell me what I will do when it's the right time.

I just have to be patient. Please be patient.

SSP

Well, friends. It's been done.
I've applied for staff!
I must say it was rather difficult time, why, you may ask?
Well because:

1. You have essay questions that require tons of thinking.
2. You have to wait for both of your references to finish their part before even considering your for an initial phone interview.
3. The phone interview.

Yep, today I had my phone interview with the fabulous Rick Eaton, Director of SSP.
He may be kindasortamaybereally intimidating, because I mean, c'mon, it's RICK EATON, but he is a super nice guy and I had the pleasure talking to him today!

I feel like I answered his questions the best to my ability, and lucky me, he said I'm going through to the next round of phone interviews, Site Director edition! WAAAAAAAH <3 I couldn't be anymore excited for March to come around! And then after that, we'll see who wants to hire me. Hopefully someone will want to!

The best part is...it means I'm that much closer to my dream. Yep, my dream. I have wanted to do this for about four years, and now, I able to do it! This opportunity means the world to me, and I really hope I can prove not only to Rick, but also to any one of those Site Directors, that I'm the person that will do their best at whatever task they are put at.

I want this. I want this so bad.
So, prayers, thoughts, and luck are encouraged and appreciated.
Until then!!

Love,
Brittany Lauren

A Dedication to the Gilbert Girls

Well, here it goes...

I just wanna start out by saying that I miss you all so much.
Even as a semester has gone by now, it's still hard to get over the fact I can't see you all as much as I would like,
especially when we've all been together for years and years.

I also wanted to let you know how much you all mean to me.
I mean, we've been through so much together, and there have been so many times I've wanted to come home to see you all.
I miss everything. I miss church, SSP, lunch dates at Oreganos, sleepovers, girls nights, everything.
It makes me sad that we can't do these things as often as we were able to before, and doing it with other people just doesn't feel the same. I don't know about you guys, but that's how I feel.

And another thing, I know I can come off as rude and a brat, because I tend to just blurt things out and not realize you guys may get mad. And I just wanted to apologize for anything that could have made you want to hate my guts or look at me like I'm an idiot. I've been learning to not be so quick with what I have to say and realize if I'm gonna hurt someone's feelings. I want you guys to know that I love you all very much and I would never even try to start drama or be mean in any possible way.

You guys are my best friends, and I wouldn't trade the world for you girls. And as I sit here, tears are falling down my face because I feel like we may be loosing the close connection we once had, and I pray to God every day that it never happens. I never want to lose that connection with any of you! And I know it's hard because we are at different schools, but I believe that we will always be there for each other. Hello?! I want you girls to be in my wedding! And I will be honest, I did believe at one point that the whole "being there for each other" was a lie, but the more I think about everything we've done together over the years, I was absolutely 1000000% stupid for even considering that to be a thought. I've NEVER cared about a group of people more than you, and I'm pretty sure I never will.

This is my promise to you guys:
I promise to be there for every single one of you. If you feel like you have no one to turn to, just know I'll be there.
I promise to become a better person. I never want you guys to feel like I can't be trusted or I'm not a good enough friend.
I promise to come to you guys if I have a problem, because I know you guys give me the best advice.
I promise to keep the promise we made our last year of SSP: We'll be best friends forever. And I will never second guess that promise ever again.
I promise.

So, Ashley, Jessie, Jordan, Maddie, Kim, and Stephanie, I love you with all of my heart. Without you, I wouldn't be the person I am today. You may not know it, but you have taught me so many things, and I thank God every night that we've known each other for so long. I hope you read this, maybe you will and maybe you won't. Just know that I think about you all everyday, and I with school will fly by so we all can be together once again. And, let's all get ooVoo so we can have group dates :) Catching up and chats are definitely needed. I miss you all, have a great second semester, and kick some butt! :)



Love,
Brittany Lauren

Have You Ever?

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you were a completely different person?
If you never became friends with the people you care about the most?
If you never moved a day in your life?
If you moved to a different place?
If you had different morals?
If you had different feelings?

There are so many things I wish never happened or would happen.
Obviously, they've made me who I am today...

But honestly, I don't think I like who I am today.
Sure, I've got my friends and family who I care for very much, but do they care for me?
I know some of them do, or else I wouldn't be in school.
I wouldn't be going to check out a college I've been wanting to attend.
I wouldn't be fun to be around. At least, I hope people feel that way...

I have the very few people in my life that I can be myself around, without judgement.
Everyone else? Judged. Even some of my best friends judge me like there's no tomorrow.
I don't know. I may be over-thinking things. I probably shouldn't even have to think about it at all.

So late, just got back from karaoke...brought up my day a bit.
Bedtime.

Love,
Brittany Lauren

Where is She?

Where is the little girl that would run around and sing Barney songs?
Where is the girl that had a smile on her face everyday, and had no worries.

She's still here...somewhat.

She's still running around, only to try and lose weight.
She's still singing, to herself.
She has a smile on her face everyday, but the majority of them are fake.
And now, she worries all the time.

I can't wait to be happy again...

Hopefully, things will work out this time.